To lose something especially loved or valued feels bad, and when it happens at our own hand, we may berate ourselves for being so careless, although eventually we move on.
However, to learn that someone else has damaged, broken, given away, or stolen something of ours we enjoyed owning ….now that is a horse of a different color – that is a disrespect, an exploitation, a betrayal more difficult to side-step...or get over (maybe ever)….especially when the inconsiderate person is our mother and she justifies her actions with a high-minded platitude about not crying over things that can't cry over you.
In “Horse Tale,” little Maureen bounces out of bed one morning to discover that her rocking horse…the horse she loves and rides everyday is missing… and she is quite aware that “Trigger” hasn’t ridden off on his own.
No…turns out her mother has an interesting story to tell about a poor woman and her son walking by and staring longingly at the rocking horse, after which Maureen's mother gives the horse to them, reportedly because she “has a soft spot for children who hurt.” (Translation: other children who hurt…evidently not her child).
Wow….a favorite toy gone in an instant?! Just like that? Do we even buy this story? Might we wonder how passers-by (i.e., a “poor” woman and her “little" boy) were able to physically take possession of this beloved rocking horse?
The red rocking horse from my childhood dominated a certain space in the room I shared with my sisters – and moving it from one spot to another was really hard to do. The horse was unwieldy and not easy to pick up, let alone carry. Thus, I am curious how a “poor woman with a small child” walking by would even be able to haul off a rocking horse without a car or a truck?!
In fact, the mother’s story brings to mind the inclination of parents to sometimes fabricate pleasant stories to tell their children when the truth is not so redeeming. It goes like this… Johnny realizes the cat is missing; Mom suggests it probably ran away…but truth be told, Dad took it to the vet and said “Find a good home for this irritating cat.”
So, we are left to wonder… what did happen to that irritating rocking horse named Trigger?
Regardless, the mother in this incident sets up her child to experience being betrayed. It didn’t matter what her child wanted…the mother wanted to feel good about giving the horse away – or maybe getting rid of it. Either way, the child’s feelings were not considered.
Notice there is not one mention of a verbal apology either. Sure, Trigger comes back years later – but returning Trigger years later is about as helpful as returning a size 4 pair of shoes to a now grown woman who wears a size 9! What’s the point? Again, the point is to make the giver feel better – not the person whose possessions have been given away at an age-inappropriate time. No matter how we slice this pie, it’s still horse poop.
If fact, Maureen had it right all those years. She kept reminding her mother (for 16 years) that she felt betrayed, even though her mother, evidently, never heard her. (How interesting that Maureen is a writer and not one who speaks for a living.)
And here is where it gets a little stickier for Maureen. In order to feel better about her mother - now that Maureen is an adult, she makes the self-preserving decision to move over to the dark side.
In other words, to regain some sort of control, Maureen makes her mother right! Suddenly, her mother’s favorite line… “Don’t cry over things that can’t cry over you”... starts making horse sense to the maturing daughter. But think about it: How is a person’s life better to follow this inane dictate? Don’t cry because you’ve lost your dog? Your tooth? Your favorite piggy bank full of money? Your health? We can all see that the mother’s reasoning is a little crazy.
Even so, Maureen is able to regain control by surrendering her better judgment to martyrdom. Letting her mother be right feels better – quiets Maureen’s emotions and allows her to feel in control again.
But by making her mother right, Maureen must now say to herself, “Shame on you for worrying about that little horse! For goodness sake…quit crying over things that can’t cry over you! Your mother lost her father at age 12, for Lord’s sake, and you don’t see her crying over everything, do you?” And on and on and on.
Maureen adopts her mother’s high-minded frame of reference and thereby concedes…I was so stupid to care about that silly rocking horse.
At last…relief! Once she takes the position of sitting in judgment of herself, the hurt goes away. She feels better about her mother, and better yet, she is now in control of her own feelings.
And still today, we have only to read Maureen Dowd’s column to see how ably she sits in judgment of everyone. For Maureen Dowd, the pontificating moral high road feels good – and it also earns her a respectable living. And guess what? ….To maintain her worldview of I sit in judgment, she has only to remember a favorite little horse named Trigger.
I ask you….what childhood recollection triggers your worldview?
However, to learn that someone else has damaged, broken, given away, or stolen something of ours we enjoyed owning ….now that is a horse of a different color – that is a disrespect, an exploitation, a betrayal more difficult to side-step...or get over (maybe ever)….especially when the inconsiderate person is our mother and she justifies her actions with a high-minded platitude about not crying over things that can't cry over you.
In “Horse Tale,” little Maureen bounces out of bed one morning to discover that her rocking horse…the horse she loves and rides everyday is missing… and she is quite aware that “Trigger” hasn’t ridden off on his own.
No…turns out her mother has an interesting story to tell about a poor woman and her son walking by and staring longingly at the rocking horse, after which Maureen's mother gives the horse to them, reportedly because she “has a soft spot for children who hurt.” (Translation: other children who hurt…evidently not her child).
Wow….a favorite toy gone in an instant?! Just like that? Do we even buy this story? Might we wonder how passers-by (i.e., a “poor” woman and her “little" boy) were able to physically take possession of this beloved rocking horse?
The red rocking horse from my childhood dominated a certain space in the room I shared with my sisters – and moving it from one spot to another was really hard to do. The horse was unwieldy and not easy to pick up, let alone carry. Thus, I am curious how a “poor woman with a small child” walking by would even be able to haul off a rocking horse without a car or a truck?!
In fact, the mother’s story brings to mind the inclination of parents to sometimes fabricate pleasant stories to tell their children when the truth is not so redeeming. It goes like this… Johnny realizes the cat is missing; Mom suggests it probably ran away…but truth be told, Dad took it to the vet and said “Find a good home for this irritating cat.”
So, we are left to wonder… what did happen to that irritating rocking horse named Trigger?
Regardless, the mother in this incident sets up her child to experience being betrayed. It didn’t matter what her child wanted…the mother wanted to feel good about giving the horse away – or maybe getting rid of it. Either way, the child’s feelings were not considered.
Notice there is not one mention of a verbal apology either. Sure, Trigger comes back years later – but returning Trigger years later is about as helpful as returning a size 4 pair of shoes to a now grown woman who wears a size 9! What’s the point? Again, the point is to make the giver feel better – not the person whose possessions have been given away at an age-inappropriate time. No matter how we slice this pie, it’s still horse poop.
If fact, Maureen had it right all those years. She kept reminding her mother (for 16 years) that she felt betrayed, even though her mother, evidently, never heard her. (How interesting that Maureen is a writer and not one who speaks for a living.)
And here is where it gets a little stickier for Maureen. In order to feel better about her mother - now that Maureen is an adult, she makes the self-preserving decision to move over to the dark side.
In other words, to regain some sort of control, Maureen makes her mother right! Suddenly, her mother’s favorite line… “Don’t cry over things that can’t cry over you”... starts making horse sense to the maturing daughter. But think about it: How is a person’s life better to follow this inane dictate? Don’t cry because you’ve lost your dog? Your tooth? Your favorite piggy bank full of money? Your health? We can all see that the mother’s reasoning is a little crazy.
Even so, Maureen is able to regain control by surrendering her better judgment to martyrdom. Letting her mother be right feels better – quiets Maureen’s emotions and allows her to feel in control again.
But by making her mother right, Maureen must now say to herself, “Shame on you for worrying about that little horse! For goodness sake…quit crying over things that can’t cry over you! Your mother lost her father at age 12, for Lord’s sake, and you don’t see her crying over everything, do you?” And on and on and on.
Maureen adopts her mother’s high-minded frame of reference and thereby concedes…I was so stupid to care about that silly rocking horse.
At last…relief! Once she takes the position of sitting in judgment of herself, the hurt goes away. She feels better about her mother, and better yet, she is now in control of her own feelings.
And still today, we have only to read Maureen Dowd’s column to see how ably she sits in judgment of everyone. For Maureen Dowd, the pontificating moral high road feels good – and it also earns her a respectable living. And guess what? ….To maintain her worldview of I sit in judgment, she has only to remember a favorite little horse named Trigger.
I ask you….what childhood recollection triggers your worldview?
